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The Legend of “Smoot” Hawley
~A Tale of Treachery, Greed and Smurf Bowling ®~

By:  Bastardo

Rutherford "Smoot" Hawley was not a happy camper.  For years he had honed his skills in the manly art of Smurf Bowling, spending hours on end knocking over those little blue munchkins and taking great delight in their pathetic cries of pain and despair.  He was the prideful kind, and had come to the point where he was the preeminent Smurfler in all of Cyberia, with one notable exception. 

That exception was Long (and boring) TomHill, legendary Internet wine geek, mild mannered computer jock and all around sex symbol. (He was also a fencer of some note.  Have a hot monitor or Cult Cab you want to turn into a quick couple of bucks?  Just see Long [and boring] TomHill.) No one, and I mean no one could beat him when it came to Smurf Bowling.  He never even practiced; it just came to him naturally, like some gift from the gods of organized competition. 

"Smoot" opened another bottle of Thunder Alley Bates Motel Merlot, and poured himself a tumbler full of the dark garnet libation.  The wine tasted and smelled like breakfast, a curious combination of coffee and toast, and with every gulp, he (and it) grew more bitter.  Hawley drank fast and drank heavy, and as he neared the end of his 3rd bottle, he began to hatch a diabolical plot, one that would put even the felonious ice princess Tanya Hardon herself to shame.  

And so it was that the next day, when he'd recovered enough to crank up the ICQ, he contacted one Bernie Rothschild, who was no fan of Long (and boring) TomHill either; Bernie always seemed to come up short in their incessant games of one-upmanship.  Using Mr. Rothschild as a middleman, Hawley engaged the services of two cheap Right Coast goons known only as Mofo and Jujube.  None too bright, these characters would do the dirty work for a song and a dance, or in this case, 12 bottles of Rodent Ridge California Sangiovese.  Negotiations were somewhat drawn out, as the lowlifes had certain "family" matters to attend to, and at one point Hawley was tempted to hire an infamous gang from Detroit instead.  However, they were an expensive crew, and in the end an agreement was reached with the two from New Jersey.  

They had cut matters dangerously close however, as Mofo and Jujube arrived in Lost Alamo on the very day of the biggest Smurf Bowling tournament of the year, Ronin Bowl ®, sponsored by Japan's Sakitumi Motor Company.  The finest Smurflers in Cyberia were entered, but there was little doubt as to who would emerge victorious after the final frame.    

That afternoon. . . 


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